17 Feb 2008


I'm a little distracted right now - can't focus, want to start new things, can't sleep, and it's driving me crazy.

There are obvious causes - we're coming up to the one year anniversary of Nalani's birth and death, and my sister-in-law is about to give birth. She's a couple of days overdue now, and so my inlaws are ready at any moment to jump in the car and speed away up the coast. This pregnancy was announced 3 days before Nalani's due date, so has been a heartache since the start (yes, I know this is just my envy and jealousy, but there it is.)

All this has naturally got my mind lingering on births. DH and I still have not discussed the possibility of more children. First I was waiting to discuss Nalani's autopsy at the hospital. This happened, and then I waited for the report to arrive. This arrived in January. Now I am waiting for our niece/nephew to arrive, and my feelings to stabilise again. I know that I am still not capable of a rational conversation.

Lucas' illness has turned out to be a type of food poisoning, and a type which is notifiable to the Health Department. How embarassing. It's been agonising trying to remember where we ate 2 weeks ago, in case the Health Dept do ring and question us. I think he's turned the corner though. I hope so, as preschool is on Monday, and I don't want him to miss out too much right at the beginning.


Kylie said...

Oh Leah, I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain.It's no wonder you can not sleep with all those thoughts swirling around your head.Take care of your self.(((gentle hugs)))

Cascade Lily said...

Leah, you've been through so much. I don't think your feelings are any different to what any of us would feel. Of course this is a difficult time for you. You will never forget Nalani and will always wonder what her life would have been like. Totally normal and the wounds will take some time to heal. Some time with a good counsellor can really help. It helped my friend a lot when she need to talk to someone who wasn't directly involved.

Good to hear Lucas is on the mend. I have no idea what I ate two weeks ago!

Bells said...

I'm so sorry. It's awful. I am very sad to say that I know this pain and have no words of wisdom because I'm just sad, too.

Gabrielle said...

Leah, I can only imagine what an awful time this must be for you, and how it must be so hard to share in the joy and anticipation of an impending arrival. It is only natural that this would be a painful time - your family must realise that too. I hope things get easier and clearer for you once you get through this. I think Lily's suggestion of a counsellor might be worth considering too, I don't know if you've already been down that path.

Big hugs for poor Lucas too, glad he is feeling better now.

Michelle said...

I'm so sorry you have been going through all this. It's just not fair, is it?

Glad Lucas is feeling better - food poisoning is no fun for anyone.

Anonymous said...

I had a loss 4 years ago, and an autopsy was done. It helped give some answers,but the anguish of it all was something hard to move past. I've since had another child, but still remember my other little boy. I am so sorry for your loss and can only say your in my thoughts and prayers, and it does help to find someone to listen to you. I wish you the best.